Nosh: Go Away, Sandra Lee

I don’t expect people to make bûche de Noël.  I can barely believe the energy that goes into making one.  And those cookies I made were pretty labor-intensive; I completely, totally admit that.  I understand the desire to not want to spend an entire day in the kitchen, which is why you rely on the relatives who don’t mind doing so to cook dinner for you.  But here’s the thing about traditional holiday foods–they’re supposed to be special, they’re supposed to be a little time-consuming, which is why you only have them on particular occasions.  You don’t have a giant, bronto-ham with the bone sticking out, studded with pineapple and cloves every goddamned Sunday, you have that at Easter, and maybe Thanksgiving.  And let’s talk about Thanksgiving, one of the few times of the year we eat ninety-pound birds you have to start cooking the day before, because they’re stuffed with chickens and ducks and the neighbor’s pet canary and whatever other sort of fowl you can think to cram in to another bird’s chest cavity.  Anyone, at any time of year, can have a crappy Yule log made out of a giant Ho-Ho and some Cool Whip, and in fact I think I’ve eaten that very combination of foodstuffs during at least one of my more spectacular moments of self-loathing-fueled binge eating.  Yeah, let’s celebrate the holidays with some classic shame-food, and then get drunk enough to tell Uncle Cletus how we really feel about him.

Note to Cletus Mergitroid: Relax, dudes.

God, I HATE that there’s a cooking show hosted by someone who hates to fucking cook.

As always, thanks to Food Network Humor for all the BS you weed through for my entertainment.

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2 responses to Nosh: Go Away, Sandra Lee

  1. jp

    As you know, I don’t really love to cook, but even I am offended by that video. Funniest part? How seriously she walks us through that ve….rrry important but difficult step of mixing the vanilla in with the Cool Whip! Wouldn’t want to get that wrong, could ruin the whole thing.

    This reminds me of some “recipes” (the scare-quotes, you’ll see, are justified) being passed around the blogosphere a while back by somebody like Dawn Eden or Caitlin Flanagan (a youngish conservative anti-feminist writer*). Every recipe was along the lines of, “carefully layer the Fritos in the bottom of the pan, mix the melted Velveeta with the ranch dressing. Now season with a packet of onion soup flavoring!” Not a real, unpackaged food item in sight–not an onion to be chopped, or even a tomato to slice. I think the only veggies involved anywhere were microwaved (assumed frozen) spinach to mix into cheese glop, and cans of Campbells Cream o Mushroom soup. It was the weirdest cooking style I had ever seen, not to mention the sodium levels must be through the roof.

    (*Just for identification purposes, not really implying the hideous cooking has any connection to her politics).

    I think maybe that old cookbook mom has (with the covers falling off-was it Fannie Farmer?) used a a lot of processed food ingredients. Which would make sense, since it’s from like 1952.

    I think I’m going to go and eat an apple.

    Like

    • beyondpaisley – Author

      I remember Mom’s Fannie Farmer cookbook, but I don’t remember if I ever actually looked at the recipes…and if I did, it was a thousand years ago and I have absolutely no memory of them. It doesn’t surprise me even a little, considering the era in which it was published, that it was largely processed. It might be fun to look at that and try and figure out what could be nouveau-engineered…does she still have it, do you know? I tried to find the recipes you just talked about, the Velveeta-y sodium delights, but I just kept finding articles about people hating on Alice Waters for being a groovy Northern California chef who wants to teach kids about gardening. And I don’t need to read about more depressing food, but if you ever come across them in your travels send them my way, ok?

      The Cool Whip segment was what sent me over the edge, too. Why do you put the vanilla in? To kill the packaged taste. So you know this thing you’re about to feed your loved ones is one molecular bond away from gasoline and you think a little vanilla is going to save the day? Hmmm? For shame, Aunt Sandy. For shame.

      How was that apple?

      Like

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