Dear Donald Trump,
*cue slow, steady applause*
I’m about to write words I never imagined generating in my life, but thank you, Donald Trump. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
It’s not that I agree with anything you’ve ever done. It’s not that I admire your business savvy or watch your television show. But in the entirety of my life I couldn’t imagine anyone ever laying out in so naked and callous a manner the degree to which you—and by extension your party, with whom you are currently inextricably linked—think that charity and its recipients are pawns in your personal game. I do enjoy how your political/media whoredom has turned you into the Republican version of Stuart from MadTV…
…though somehow, I suspect that might not be the effect you’re shooting for.
For those of us who don’t “get” exactly how Trump exudes callous putrescence, I give you his laughable bombshell of an announcement and latest smear campaign against the president. I’ve copied his official press release and translated it into the New York metro area Palooka-ese in which he normally speaks. My interpretation will be in bold letters.
Official – STATEMENT FROM DONALD J. TRUMP
New York, October 24, 2012 – President Obama is the least transparent President in the history of this country. Sadly, we know very little about a large portion of our President’s life and, in fact, he has spent millions of dollars in legal fees to make sure that it stays that way. I am very honored to have gotten President Obama to release his long form birth certificate, or whatever it was that he released.
This fuckin’ guy…yeah, the state says, the state says. Whatever he’s selling, I’m not buying. My friend Louie from Coney Island could put together a form from Hawaii, too.
This was something that neither John McCain nor Hilary Clinton were able to get him to do during their very long and bitter political campaigns despite the fact that they were strong in demanding it’s release (nobody knows why he would not do it). Many Americans have serious questions — questions that should not be part of the presidential dialogue.
Anyone else who went after him didn’t have the stones to press him hard enough. McCain’s an old man and Hillary’s a woman, I think. And sure, the American public is easy to dupe—they watch my show, after all–so you know what? Fuck it, let’s make this stupid, pointless, paranoid, imaginary question a part of the dialogue anyways, even though I know it’s crap.
Over the course of the last year, millions of people have contacted me via my social media pages (Twitter.com/realDonaldTrump, Facebook.com/DonaldTrump) seeking my assistance to have this extremely important issue settled once and for all. While they may have the thought and concern, they feel that they lack the ability to get this done. Essentially, a large portion of American people are asking me to serve as their spokesperson.
I’ve found a real niche as a political gasbag and can’t stand the thought of you people not paying attention to me, so listen, I’m going to ride the coattails of whatever fucknut conspiracy theorist trolls my page and creates the biggest controversy. Because I have money, and to a lot of youse out there, that is what legitimizes me. So pay attention!
It is for this reason that I have a deal for the President — a deal that I do not believe he can refuse.
Yeah, I took a line from The Godfather. So fuckin’ what?
If Barack Obama agrees (or has the universities and colleges agree) to give all of his college records and applications and if he provides all of his passport records and applications, I will give to a charity of his choice (inner city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, etc.) a check for five million dollars. The check will be given immediately after he releases the records so stated, or causes said records to be released. If he chooses to do this, he will be doing a great service not only to the charity, but also a great service to the country and indeed, himself.
I would provide a great service to this country if I could extort his bleeding heart liberal pansy ass. He gives me what I want, or fuck those cancer kids. I’ll scream my face off if you want me to pay an extra dime for kids to have a hot breakfast at school with the HeadStart program, or let anyone get the same kind of health care I can get as a guarantee, but you’d better fuckin’ believe I will piss away five million bucks because it makes me feel powerful and gives me wood.
If he releases these records it will end the question, and indeed the anger, of many Americans. Their President will become transparent like other Presidents. So all he has to do to collect five million dollars for a charity of his choice, is get his universities and colleges to immediately give his complete applications and records and also to release his passport information.
So all he has to do is put his Kenyan Communist passport and his faked college transcripts into an unmarked bag and then kiss his fuckin’ dignity goodbye.
When he does that to my satisfaction, and if it’s complete, the check will be delivered immediately. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this happen.
To. My. Satisfaction. For the record, that’s why I never released my tax returns after he put out his long-form birth certificate, even though I said I would. Because I am NOT satisfied. Ask Louie.
Frankly, it’s a check that I very much want to write. I absolutely would be the most happy of all if I did, in fact, make this contribution through the President to a charity of his choice. One caveat— the records must be given by October 31st at 5pm in the afternoon.
I’d dance like a fuckin’ girl if he gave me that shit, because that would mean I. WIN. The biggest pissing contest in the world. Who’s the leader of the free world now, bitch?
So, Mr. President, not only will I be happy, and totally satisfied, but the American people will be happy and the selected charity will be very, very happy. Thank you, Mr. President!
And if he doesn’t I’ll go to a clinic and rip the medicine right out of those kidses mouths myself. Because the president won’t let them get chemo. Hey, look, his fault, not mine.