Dear Secessionists:

BARACK OBAMA HAS BEEN RE-ELECTED!  FIRE WILL RAIN FROM THE SKY!  TWO-HEADED CHICKENS WILL RUN IN THE STREETS!  ROVING PACKS OF FRENCH COMMUNISTS WILL ROAM OUR MALLS, CLOVE CIGARETTES CLENCHED IN THEIR TEETH!  AND THEY WILL SMOKE INDOORS, DESPITE THE NO-SMOKING SIGNS.

Heaven forfend.

Some of you, it seems, have worked yourself into a fine lather about the re-election of President Obama.  Now, I know what it feels like to have the guy you wanted booted out of office, not get booted out of office.  I know what it feels like to think, what the hell is the matter with the electorate?  Why don’t people see this guy has failed policies?  How could they pull that lever for a second term?

Yeah, I’m talking about Bush.  And while I did vote for Obama in this most recent election, frankly, I would have voted for Jill Stein if I thought a third party stood a ghost of a chance.  For those of you who want to froth about how I should have voted that way to show support for third parties so they can gain a foothold in the electoral machine, I have one word for you: Nader.  The entire system needs an overhaul, starting with a reversal of the Citizens United ruling.  But that’s a different blog for a different day.

Lately, there’s been some sort of crazy talk in the paper and the television machine and on the interwebs about secession, and about citizens petitioning the White House for the right for their states to secede.  Look, I’m all for the rights of protest, and I understand dissatisfaction with how your government manages money and time and people.  But secession, folks?  Shame on you.

What sort of spoiled, whiny, entitled, profoundly paranoid, closed mind generates such a response?  Instead of saying, “Hey, look at that.  Maybe I should measure the nation’s emotional climate and see what I don’t get,” these people say, “I’m taking my bat and my ball and I’m going home.”  Ooh, careful!  You might learn something.  That’s right.  I’m calling you paranoid.  I’m calling you entitled.  I’m calling you totally fucking whiny.  I’m also saying you need to get a better grip on things like “communism” and “fascism” and “entitlement“.  And to the people who do the whole “Obama is Hitler” thing: fuck you.  Get back to me once you’ve read a history book.

So first I’d like to know: is this what you think is in the future for Obama, Part 2?

Not gonna happen.

Seriously, people.  Worrying about whether or not people can get food on the table or can get affordable health care aren’t questions of the government trying to steal your money but rather, questions of basic human decency and legitimate public health concern.  I’d much rather feed people and maintain a decent standard of health then grapple with food riots or a cholera epidemic.  Think about how cranky you got the last time someone messed up your order at your local burger joint, and you had to wait while everyone else ate their dinners around you.  Now imagine you never get that food.  Grow the fuck up.  Shame on you.

Supporting a diversity of religion doesn’t directly correlate with hating Christianity, and freedom of religion also means freedom from religion.  Your bibles are safe, Christian population, and you’re welcome to use whatever words you want to use when wishing glad tidings this holiday season.  Do you get your knickers in a twist when the greeter at the big box discount shopeteria says “Happy holidays” to you instead of “Merry Christmas”?  Really?  Grow the fuck up.  Shame on you.

Not every immigrant is dirty, uneducated, and dying to have anchor babies in your back yard, despite what the odious, hateful, skeletal, shrieking head of Ann Coulter may say.  And not every brown person is an immigrant, despite Arizona’s stop-and-identify laws.  And before you start pointing out to me that it isn’t targeting specific races, let me ask you: how many people of Irish or Belgian descent do you think they ID’d?  Now, how many Mexicans and Native Americans do you think have been asked?  If you can’t accept that the US is getting browner around you all the time, then please, do us both a favor and grow the fuck up.  Shame on you.

And for the people who think this secession thing has legitimate legs, take a look at this:

This is a screen shot from the White House petition page.  In order to sign a petition you need to have an account so you can digitally sign, and all it requires is a name and email.  That’s it.  You don’t even need to provide a street address.  Do you honestly believe that all of those signatures are real?  I’ll wait while you think it over.

***

I’d be willing to bet money that the Koch brothers have installed an office full of wonks whose sole purpose is to generate fake signatures for these petitions.  Not because anything will come of it in the end, but because it will create a (falsely, I would argue) legitimized legal diversion that by law must be addressed.  Which is just like how them fancy high-falutin’ corporate lawyers file motion after motion that requires multiple court appearances, making it virtually impossible for an individual to win against a corporation.  It takes time away from the real business of running the country.

Bonus! If the Koch brothers were to win, in this scenario, then they could form their own country and call it Kochistan.  Kochistan.  Say it three times fast and get back to me.

Listen, the minute a federal officer shows up at your front door with an acetylene torch, demanding your bible, I will apologize, take back everything I say, and sign as many secession petitions as I can fake-generate before my kitten gets a punch.  But until then, people, please.  Relax.  Read a book, or go for a walk, or something.  Take some Zumba classes.  Work to understand the system, understand the demographic makeup of the country and what the most effective ways are to generate real, legitimate change, if that’s what you want.  And for God’s sake, please, get over yourselves.

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14 responses to Dear Secessionists:

  1. Amber

    The drawing – BWAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!! Well said – all together – well said. George – Loved the song on many levels! You’re both keepin’ it real 😉

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    • beyondpaisley – Author

      😀 Keepin’ it real in central PA, that’s us. Thanks so much! I got a big kick out of drawing that stuff. It’s been cooking in my head for a few days now.

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  2. beck16

    I might be a little offended by this post. Not because I am a Texan who cares whether or not we secede but because everyone has a right to their opinion. I’m not going to argue politics because I have my opinion and its exactly that. My opinion. I’m offended because you’re basically telling me to fuck off because I have an opinion and I should be shameful about it. You have posted a very good argument. But I refuse to be put down for believing what I believe. If we all agreed on everything it would be a peaceful place, but there is no such thing.

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    • Garzilla

      beck16: A LOT of the people that signed this petition and really wish to renounce their citizenship and secede from the United States are doing so under a falsehood perpetuated by Gov. Rick Perry at a Tea Party rally a few years back, implying there’s some “ace in the hole” that Texas is permitted to do so legally. They aren’t, plain and simple. Do they fully understand the ramifications of secession? No, I don’t believe they do. There is nothing to stop any state from seceding illegally… except history. The Civil War, which killed far more Americans than all our other wars combined. When “opinions” are SO off-kilter and out of touch with reality and the overall good of the country that this what they want, they need to be told to GROW THE FUCK UP!

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    • Amber

      Of course we aren’t all going to agree. Having an opinion is part of being human. I thought the point was to say, when we don’t agree, accept when you are outnumbered and positively work toward the change you want to see. Not throw a toddler tantrum and try to leave with your part of the country with you, even though there may be people in your part of the country that don’t agree with you. (Case in point – the author of this blog lived in TX for a time). If you want to leave – GO – I don’t think the gov. will try to stop you. Go luck finding another civilized country just the way you want it. If staying, work to be the change you want to see. Don’t just whine complain and fuss…..then you just add to the problem.

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    • beyondpaisley – Author

      Dear beck,

      Can I call you dear? Here’s the thing about your reply: you’ve got to give me something more to go on. Let’s look at what you said.

      I might be a little offended by this post.

      You might? Or you are? If you’re going to go through the trouble of writing a reply, then the least you can do to present your case is, in your opening salvo, let me know where you stand. As it is, I might be interested. Or I might not care. If you don’t care enough to clearly state your case, why should I care enough to read it?

      Not because I am a Texan who cares whether or not we secede but because everyone has a right to their opinion.

      You’re right; everyone is most certainly entitled to their own opinion. However, you need to realize that having an opinion or belief does not insulate you from never facing an opposing opinion or belief. I put this out there knowing people weren’t going to agree with me and, more to the point, expecting to hear from someone who disagrees with me. Because I can accept that there are people who don’t think precisely in the same manner I do. Opening up a public dialogue invites all manner of discussion.

      I’m not going to argue politics because I have my opinion and its exactly that. My opinion.

      You’re unclear here, again. What is your opinion? What has offended you? Do you think Texas should secede? Do you think store employees should say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy holidays”? Do you think the president is a communist? Do you think Bieber and Selena Gomez ought to try and reconcile? I’d like to know what opinion you’re ultimately defending here. And bear in mind that opinions can be powerful things, but they’re not necessarily bound by facts. Here’s an example: you may hold the opinion that the Cowboys are the best football team in the world, but the Giants won the Superbowl last year. Even though the facts bear out that—at least for this past season—the Giants were a superior team, you may still hold the opinion that the Cowboys are the best in the world.

      I’m offended because you’re basically telling me to fuck off because I have an opinion and I should be shameful about it.

      But…that’s my opinion! I’m not allowed to voice it because it might…what? Hurt your feelings? Force you to defend your beliefs?

      You have posted a very good argument.

      Thank you.

      But I refuse to be put down for believing what I believe.

      *sigh* Please hear this, and take it to heart: you don’t have to be offended by a single word I’ve said, or internalize a single keystroke of what I’ve written. Because we are individuals with, theoretically, free will, we don’t have to stay focused on a particular media when we can control its presence. I am, ultimately, little more than digital smoke and shadows to you. I’m not your neighbor, I don’t live in your town and in all likelihood, we will never come face to face. And really, I can only “put you down” if you think I have some kind of power over you to begin with or if you’re insecure in how to defend your beliefs. Now, don’t misconstrue what I said. I’m not saying you don’t legitimately believe in what you believe in; I’d say you do, and quite strongly. But the above sentence doesn’t say to me, “This is a person with an established ability to defend her way of thinking.” It says, “This is a person who isn’t used to having to articulate logically why she thinks what she thinks and feels entitled to cuddle in the cozy sanctuary of her unchallenged internal structure, and that those whose opinions conflict with your own should allow this person to hide behind demonstrably injured feelings.” I feel like you think you’re being put down simply because you don’t know how to defend yourself other than by saying you’re offended, and your lack of further dialogue supports that. I’m sorry, that’s not good enough. Remember, you invited me in to your house by clicking on my link. It would be like me being offended that The 700 Club was on my TV, even though I hold the remote. Let it go.

      If we all agreed on everything it would be a peaceful place, but there is no such thing.

      Oh, God, no! Don’t cop out on me now! That’s the problem! People need to talk, get their grievances on the table if there is ever the hope that consensus could be reached. I came to this hunt loaded for bear and you gave me grouse, in more than one sense of the word. Is my choice of words too harsh? Were you offended because I used a bunch of f-bombs? My boyfriend says so, but it got your attention, didn’t it? It opened up some kind of dialogue. What I need you—and anyone else who might be offended by my f-bombs—to do is stop focusing on that word and focus on the message instead. Tell me: if I just told you to “grow up”, how does that change its impact?

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  3. OH DAYUM!!!! While I was reading this post + some of your responses at one point I screamed, “Snap in a Z Formation!!!!”. My husband read the “reversal of the Citizens United ruling” + pretty much was like, “Here, here!”. Nice one. I love finally reading a post where someone isn’t afraid to boldly express their opinion. There’s so many blogs out there that try to not sway to one side or the other + delicately just give readers “perspective”. Screw that, that shit’s boring.

    Like

    • beyondpaisley – Author

      You know…I wrote this expecting it would piss people off. I wrote this knowing that there are plenty of gentler voices out there trying to promote a dose of perspective. I know there are plenty of people who didn’t love (or even really like) this post…but really. Sometimes, you just have to say what’s on your mind and take it from there. Thanks!

      Like

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