The Kitchen Magician Food Glamorizer

My mother’s neighbor recently moved, and thanks to circumstances beyond the neighbor’s control (advanced age, limited living space, a bossy daughter) much of her non-essential belongings ended up stacked four feet high and three feet deep on her curb in anticipation of their final ride in the garbage truck.  It would have been a shame to have let all her items go unappreciated.  It was a whole lifetime of stuff she’d acquired over the years–furniture, glassware, cookware, tchotchkes.  Of course I raided the stacks and quite frankly, I made out like a bandit.  I got a heavy, lidded roasting pan, a white vinyl step stool that I would say is retro only it’s been with the original owner for about fifty years so that’s…what?…ahh, vintage.  I took so much stuff my boyfriend had to pack the car like it was a giant 3-D puzzle.  Among my favorite things (it’s a toss-up with the step stool) is the Kitchen Magician Food Glamorizer.

Swoon.

Let me repeat that.  It is a FOOD.  GLAMORIZER.  Who doesn’t want glamorous food which would then, of course, make you all that much more glamorous by association?  Made by Feature Products of Chicago, Illinois in 1963, the Kitchen Magician Food Glamorizer is one glorious streamlined nugget of space-age technology, and ought to be a mandatory component in the tool belt of any domestic goddess.  Look at all it offers.

A masterpiece of culinary multitaskery!

A masterpiece of culinary multitaskery!

If only it sliced, diced, and julienned.

IMG_0016
View One: Strip Cutter, Vegetable Scraper/Shredder and Peeler

Would you like to peel strips of zest off your lemons with ease?  Create carrot curls?  Shred cabbage?  Let the Food Glamorizer help!  And note how the handle slides neatly over the end not in use, to protect wifely hands while making radishes look like rosettes.  Because who doesn’t want their radishes to look like rosettes?  Let’s try, shall we? Using the Strip Cutter, the notch right at the very end of the Glamorizer, you pull down the sides of your radishes and then…

Ehrm...uh...oooOOoooOoo!

Ehrm…uh…oooOOoooOoo!

OK, OK.  This one sort of looks like I’ve stuck an aorta onto the back end of my radish.  Maybe the results with the vegetable scraper will be better.

HAHAHA!  No.

HAHAHA! No.

Mmmm, beeee-yooo-teeeee-ful!

Or, actually, opposite.  I admit, this one sort of looks like I’ve retrieved it from an early journey into the garbage disposal.  Or that I’ve surrounded it in raw chopped meat.  I can’t decide which is less appealing.  They’re both innately wrong.

I won’t trifle with you all regarding the vegetable peeler.  I assume you all know how to peel things.  It’s time to flip the handle and see the other design elements incorporated into the Kitchen Magician Food Glamorizer.

Fancy Cutter: Notice the detail!

View Two: Fancy Cutter. Notice the detail!

Behold how the handle flips around and fits easily over either end!  When you have the peeler end covered, it makes for an incredibly comfortable grip for your Kitchen Magician Pocket Shiv.

Well, you tell me what you’re going to use that for.

No, I kid!  It’s not intended for use in stealthy prison murders.  It’s the Fancy Cutter. It’s for fancy cutting!  Let’s see what this baby can do.

Oh, OK, that looks kind of all right.

Oh, OK, that looks kind of all right.

Only…

No it doesn't.

No it doesn’t.

Do note: it’s surprisingly sharp and goes into vegetables like they were made of butter.  This poor, mutilated radish was the result of some only slightly too angled initial cuts.

Sigh.  I thought gadgetry was supposed to make the domestic goddess’s life easier.  I thought I’d be making radish rosettes and harlequined lemons in no time!  Instead, this Kitchen Magician Food Glamorizer is more like a Kitchen Barbarian Food Brutalizer.  No wonder it didn’t become standard household equipment.  I wonder how many housewives of 1963 felt bad about themselves because they were serving their families inadequately glammed-up food?  O, the many perils of womanhood!  Frankly, I’m going to be too busy making food that is beautiful of its own accord to devote my time and energies into mastering the Food Glamorizer, no matter how glamorous that may seem.  But you know what?

It looks kitschtastic when proudly and eye-catchingly displayed on my cookbook shelf.  What more could I possibly ask of it?

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12 responses to The Kitchen Magician Food Glamorizer

  1. hazeldazel

    Like, woah…. your Food Shankerizer matches your lineoleum countertop! How retro! Or should I say perfectly Mid-Century Modern? 😛

    But yeah, I think your slicing and dicing skills could use some practice or maybe a hard radish wasn’t the best choice for the first try. Maybe a nice soft cucumber? or even a blanched carrot?

    In any case, you will always glamorous my friend – shank on!

    Like

    • beyondpaisley – Author

      BA HAHA! I toooooooooootally dig that the pattern on the box even goes with the pattern on the counter. You know me so well, my friend. Love love! But please note: my slicing and dicing skills are in fine shape. It’s my ability to shank a radish on the prison rec yard and melt away unobserved that needs some work.

      How goes things in the casa nueva?

      Like

  2. You are too too funny. That second one looked like rat teeth had been having their way with the radish flesh. And I am so guilty of being a kitchen gadget whore myself…old or new gadgets. Oy, the Viking outlet store. Heaven and Hell in one!
    And can I just say that the visible difference between viewing this post on an iPhone and an iPad is remarkable. I thought the shank looked dangerous via phone! Machetesque on computer.

    Like

    • beyondpaisley – Author

      When I saw the pictures I thought, holy crap! Plasticized weaponry! I couldn’t believe how the “fancy cutter” looked. I guess “fancy” is the polite way to say “lethal”. LOL about the rat nibbles. Glamorizer, my butt. I like kitchen gadgets, but for me? Kitsch is the real allure. I’m aching for a set of those recipe cards from the 1970s. Because. I want to make fun of them forever while simultaneously adoring them with hearts shooting out of my eyes like they do in cartoons. Glad you enjoyed it. XO

      Like

  3. Soon as I saw the first photo I knew the post would be great!! I quoted the bit about the bossy daughter to my co-worker.
    The box for that “glamorizer” looks familiar and I think it might be part of a whole line of equipment. I seem to recall a knife sharpening stone in a box like that and wonder if it went to my Ex’s apartment when he moved out. Hmmm… good excuse to snoop the next time I go to his place!

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    • beyondpaisley – Author

      I’ve found precious little information about the glamorizer on the interwebs so if you do discover you have access to further information, sharing it would be fantastic and greatly appreciated. I felt bad for the neighbor; she’s of quite an advanced age and she said to my mother, “I feel like she’s already sorting out my house, and I’m not even dead yet.” Sadness.

      Like

      • Yes. Such a sense of betrayal felt by older people as they see their control over their lives slip away. Very sad.

        Like

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