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This just in.
The fake entertainment news world was rocked today when it was discovered that Forrest Gump, beloved American cinema icon, has been spying for the Chinese for the last 19 years. Their relationship, forged during Gump’s goodwill ping-pong tour, has called into question the security of countless members of the US clandestine services worldwide. Said one top official who requested anonymity, “When he showed his ass to President Johnson, I thought it was just another example of his hokey, simplistic perspective. I had no idea he was symbolically telling the president that he could stick it where the sun don’t shine.”
Gump, who fled the country before authorities could catch up with him, is believed to be hiding out in the Tian Shan mountain range, along the section that borders China and Kyrgyzstan. It is rumored that Gump took the role of informant because the Chinese government offered him a complete medical insurance plan, including both eyeglasses and dental.
And in a surprising development, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire executive producer Nina Jacobson announced that Jennifer Lawrence, who portrayed main character Katniss Everdeen in the first movie of the The Hunger Games franchise, has been released from her contract, effective immediately. All Lawrence’s scenes are being re-filmed or re-edited to accommodate Lawrence’s exit.
The production team did not believe Lawrence had the emotional muscle to handle Katniss’s devastating return to the arena in an unprecedented second entry as a tribute. Says Jacobson, “As a member of a close, tight-knit family, Jennifer has led a relatively stable life and has never had to explore the themes of profound betrayal and bloodthirsty competition that Katniss faces in Catching Fire. Unfortunately for our filming purposes, Jennifer doesn’t have a place dark enough to go to in order to capture the inherent brutality–violation, even–that Katniss experiences as she re-enters the Arena. We wish her all the best.”
The celebrity selected to replace Lawrence is Alana Thompson, also known to reality TV fans as “Honey Boo Boo“. Johnson explains, “Honey Boo Boo, first featured on the show Toddlers and Tiaras and then spun off into her own series, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, is the embodiment of a survivor. A veteran of the blasted, predatory hellscapes of both reality TV and the child beauty pageant circuit, Honey Boo Boo has entered the Darkness in ways only whispered about in unholy times. She has shown not only that she can navigate her way through shark-infested waters, but that she can eat the sharks as well. We’re very excited for the opportunity to work with this bright young star.”
Principle re-filming with Ms. Thompson has already begun, as Lionsgate Films still targets a November 2013 release.
And that’s all the time we have today for Fake Spoilers! See you next time.