It’s kind of difficult for me to comprehend what must have been the utter travesty that was a full set of My Great Recipe Cards. I only have maybe…maybe…a quarter of the set (and I’m betting that’s an incredibly low-ball estimate) and still, my pitifully small handful of cards is a veritable treasure trove of foodie nightmares.
I’ve already blogged about some of the cards in the set earlier this week, but the cards are like a train wreck. You know what I mean. You can’t stop picking at that scab. You can’t stop poking your tongue into the cavity you just found. In this case…I can’t stop looking at these cards. I try, and I try. And I fail every time.
With no further ado…
I am admittedly suspicious of rolled meat that is intended to be eaten as an individual packet. Primarily it’s because they tend to not cook very well; the seam where the meat ends overlap are often undercooked, the back of the meat is overdone, and the middle either disappears of its own accord (it oozes out) or doesn’t quite meld into harmonious stuffed goodness like you might want it to do. So. Imagine my horror at the thought of wrapping meat into a package that all-too-uncomfortably resembles gnarly big toes. In sherried cream. Hobbit’s feet: a special meal for that special someone.
And by “special someone” I mean, you know. Sauron.
Corned beef, the card says. But we know better. This is clearly a raw thigh muscle topped with jelly and sage and poisonous holly berries. I like the black mortar and pestle standing just to the right of the meat; it confirms my suspicion that some sort of black magic went into the preparation of this…ummm…dish.
I so appreciate that the gravy for this meal is made with Pepto-Bismol. Because seriously, folks. Eat this and bad times are at your doorstep.
Editor’s note: I’ve noticed there’s a lot of beef in the pictures I’m posting. National Beef Council, it’s nothing personal. It’s just what I have on hand.
Game of Thrones nerds, I know you’re with me on this one. For those of us not unapologetically obsessed with the books, then I’m sorry to point out that this looks like it’s been draped with wet hair. Or maybe fishing nets. Because what is dead may never die. Though you may certainly try to kill this with fire, which would do everyone around you a favor.
For those cooks who lack adequate knife skills and can’t control when they cut themselves, may I present: the ubiquitous, congealed “red sauce”. Disguises any and all kitchen accidents and ensures mealtimes won’t be delayed.
Nope, nope, you’re right. This doesn’t look so bad. Corn patties, would probably be delish with salsa. A vegetarian option in the mid-80s, before vegetarianism was more readily acknowledged as a lifestyle choice. Pretty progressive, actually, right? Until you read the serving suggestion on the back.
When my boyfriend looked at this card he said, “Whoa, this looks like it would bite a person back.” Indeed. The first thing I thought of when I saw this (man, I am busting out my full-on nerd pedigree for this blog; I’m so deep in the nerd closet I get dressed in Narnia) I thought of the Harry Potter Monster Book of Monsters. And with just a little bit of tinkering…
That’s if for this set, I think, for now. I’ve exhausted what’s truly disturbing and/or funny about them. And I’m kind of relieved to lay them aside for now, since they have a tendency to put me off my feed. But! Don’t worry. There’s more of the craptastic in store. Because I? Am a giver.