The Terrors of Being a Couch Potato: Calendar Edition

Did you ever need a calendar and not want to get up from your laptop (as you sprawl on the couch) and walk ten feet to your desk?  So instead you just Google image the month you need so you can feast your eyes on one of the trillion digitized maps that are just at your fingertips?  Did you ever open that in a new tab so you wouldn’t have to “mess up” where you are and go back through your browser to return to your very important reading material regarding Dave Matthews getting stranded while riding a bicycle in Hershey PA before a concert?  And then…

Did you ever forget that you had this new tab open, then open like ten more because you’re an unrepentant tab junkie, then completely forget what you had open on all of them so you had to scroll through each tab to see if it was worth keeping open?  So when you get to the tab that has the calendars on it you don’t know what you’re about to see and it looks something like this:

August August everywhere...

August August everywhere…

And then your brain starts to hurt because time is just flying at you and time and months and TIME and this was like something out of The Twilight Zone and you’re all “Paging Mr. Serling…Rod Serling, please report to my cerebral cortex” only he doesn’t show up because right now you’re on your own with nothing but your wits and perhaps a rudimentary lathe to save you.  (p.s. Rod Serling was an early childhood crush of mine, so…let that rattle around in there for a while.)  Then the page starts to swirl in on itself and your cat’s looking at you like he’s in on some giant universal secret (but then again, when doesn’t he?) and…

Maybe he's screaming because it's so effing hot out.

Maybe he’s screaming because it’s so effing hot out. I would imagine Norwegians wither in the heat.
(How’s that for a little Edvard Munch humor?)

And then you’re like HOLY CRAP WHERE DID ALL THIS TIME GO?  What is my place in the universe?  What is my legacy?  Why am I sitting on my couch thinking about cured meat?  Is this the heat?  Who’s up for wiffle ball?  Where did those hairs come from?  Who gave the green light to the Shake Weight?  And: why?  Am I forever doomed to think like a twelve-year-old?

What happens if I apply HeadOn somewhere other than directly on my forehead?  The horror…the horror…

Or is this just me???

(p.p.s: My regular Monday food blog will show up on Tuesday.  Sometimes, you’ve got to go where your brain takes you.)

6 responses to The Terrors of Being a Couch Potato: Calendar Edition

  1. No. No I do not.
    Also, are you telling me Head On is to be applied to the forehead? No WONDER my knee still hurts. (please tell me you also argue with the TV when a talking head mispronounces a word).


    • beyondpaisley – Author

      Does telling said talking head to “shut UP already” count as yelling at the TV? What of it? If that’s so wrong, then I don’t want to be right. I’m practicing for my dotage; I have big dreams of becoming the neighborhood coot.


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