I just need to vent a little spleen about a weird scene that happened when we were out to dinner last night. George and I went to a local restaurant, and it’s a fairly small one, so bear in mind that all diners are in a roughly 25×20 foot space. As happens in restaurants, after splitting a bottle of wine and supplementing that with a few glasses of water…ummm…nature called. It’s not uncommon, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been there. So. George got up to make use of the men’s room. He was gone no more than five seconds when he earned the ire of a popped-collar douche at a neighboring table, who stood up at about the same time George did, but was busy being all aggro-bro at his table and so did not move in any direction–towards the men’s room, towards the exit, whatever–because he had to get in a couple of manly fist-bumps.
Suffice to say he did NOT call firsties and make his way to the men’s room (who knew it was a footrace?) and, once he realized George the Usurper had gone in before him, started to complain about his audacity to use the men’s room. And he started to do so, quite loudly.
“Oh, man. I can’t believe it. Someone else is in the men’s room. Hahahaha…that means I get to use the ladies’ room, right? Isn’t that right? I get to use the ladies’ room, since I can’t believe some other guy went into the men’s room before I got there.”
Hahaha. OMG CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD DIDN’T FALL TO ONE SIDE AND LET YOU IN YOUR INFINITE GLORY PASS BY? Clearly, by standing, he telegraphed his intentions to the universe. WTF, George? How could you?
Seriously, though. These are the things I want to know:
1) Are you an infant? Do you lack the capacity to control your bladder and need immediate access to lavatories at all times? Have you consulted your doctor about this? Because it should be well under your control by the time you enter school, or learn how to drive, or go out drinking with bros in public.
2) Did you eat lead paint chips as a child?
3) Do you realize that the whole world does not, in fact, revolve around you?
4) Do you realize that the term “Manifest Destiny” does not, in fact, in any way relate to your access to a public rest room?
5) You do realize it’s possible to have an internal dialogue without vocalizing the thoughts in your head, right?
6) You do realize that sometimes–oftentimes–it’s preferable for you to NOT make your internal dialogue known, right?
7) Should you choose to vocalize your inner thoughts, you do realize you are under no obligation to make sure everyone in the bar, restaurant, clothing store, or whatever establishment you are patronizing at that moment knows what thoughts have lumbered through your brain, right?
8) You’re not funny enough for comedy. Leave it to the professionals, who are way more insightful, bitter, and relevant than you.
9) One last thing: do you realize that every time you opened your mouth, the entire restaurant (including your friends) hoped you choked on a bag of dicks? Next time, bro, STFU.
That is all.