One More Thing About Miley Cyrus…

I know, I know.  I’m sure we’re all sick of Miley Cyrus and her twerky ass, but I just feel like I have to say this…

…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…

…but I think we need to give her one tiny break.

Just one.  Let me explain.

It’s not that I think she’s so totally awesome that she gets a pass because OMG how can you not love everything she does?  No no, I assure you.  I’ve said since seeing the VMA performance that’s caused the avalanche of media hooha that the thing I’m most offended by about her performance is that she’s making bajillions of dollars and can’t fucking sing.  She is a testament to the magical properties of auto-tune, and will keep any skilled vocal-mix professional working for years to come.  (Miley Cyrus: Job creator.)  They claim she wasn’t auto-tuned for the VMAs.  Go on, go watch it again and play the “count the flat notes” drinking game.  Every flat note, take a shot.  You’ll be knackered before the song comes to an end (and if you play through Robin Thicke’s part of the performance, put 911 on your speed dial to counter the inevitable onset of alcohol poisoning).

It’s because, if people had been paying even a tiny bit of attention, there wouldn’t be a public outcry for a national fainting couch to combat the epidemic of swooning from the shock of Miley’s ladyparts being so vigorously and unapologetically diddled on stage.

I took this picture from somewhere off this blog, though God help me I don't remember exactly which page because I've been reading it obsessively the past few days.

I took this picture from somewhere off the blog, though God help me I don’t remember exactly which page because I’ve been reading it obsessively the past few days.

I was talking with my boyfriend the other night and he said, “Someone asked who came up with the choreography for Miley Cyrus’s performance.  Apparently, it’s taken pretty directly from her video.”

Oh, really, I thought.  How ’bout that?  Re-enacting a video (at least in part) at the VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS.  I guess I didn’t see that coming.  I feel so naive.

So I watched her video for “We Can’t Stop”, which was of course the song she sang at the VMAs.  Here it is.  I’ll get back to this in a minute but please, for the sake of the rest of this article, pay attention to what’s going on in the video.  Feel free to watch it without the sound on.  It makes it easier.

Well all right.  There you have it.  They totally pulled parts of the video for her performance.  The giant furry costumes.  Some of the dance moves.  Her goddamned tongue, which I’m pretty sure she can do push ups on.  It also, for the record, included:

  • what looked like fingers being sliced off a hand
  • copious twerking
  • a guy shooting smoke out of his crotch
  • enough with the tongue, Miley
  • abundant ass shots and spread eagled bed writhing
  • girl on girl food wrestling, booty smacking, and at least one boobie fondle
  • oh, yeah, and then she licked that doll’s face

My point is: this was all in the video which has been released for months, so people freaking out about virginal Hannah Montana suddenly becoming sexually supercharged is…well…inauthentic at best and hypocritical at worst.  Clearly, they’re not paying attention to the same things their kids are paying attention to, or else they think that whatever happens in the confines of a three-minute music video can’t ever possibly translate into live performance.

Whatever.  This is why child stars develop substance abuse problems.

But then it gets even more deranged, because Miley didn’t get as much shit for her own performance as she did for her participation in Robin Thicke‘s song, “Blurred Lines”.  Here’s the video, if you’re unfamiliar with the song.  Please notice the plastic clothing on the models, in relation to Miley’s VMA costuming.

God, I hate this song.

For Thicke’s part of the performance, Miley Cyrus ripped off her stupid, stupid furry bear onesie and revealed her vinyl bra and panty set, so she looked shiny and almost-nude.  Which kind of emulates what the models were wearing.  But that finger, good God…what about that giant foam finger she was waving around at the VMAs?  Why was Miley Cyrus just a protective vinyl barrier away from flicking her bean on national TV?  In front of the children?  Wearing that godforsaken foam finger?

OK, point #1: this wasn’t the Kid’s Choice awards, this was the VMAs.  It wasn’t a show for kids.  (Waaah!  But it was prime time!  So is CSI, American Horror Story, The Bachelor, Supernatural, America’s Next Top Model, Bates Hotel, and Californication.  These are all shows that have weird/questionable subject matter that isn’t necessarily kid friendly.  Especially that show about modeling, which I’m sure has helped fuel plenty of eating disorders across the country.  Don’t let them watch it if you don’t like it.)  

Point #2:  It’s the music industry, which is a carnivorous beast that thrives on sex and the blood of the young.  What did you expect?

And point #3:  That finger?  The hyper-sexualized content?  It’s in Robin Thicke’s video.  Not that one.  This one.  The other, unrated, way naked, kid-unfriendly version of “Blurred Lines”.

(I warn you now, this is not safe for work, for kids, for mother, for the good of all humanity.  Watch at your own risk.)

Please note that this video features:

  • Plenty of topless models in nude-colored g-strings and white platform sneakers
  • What’s up with that lamb?
  • Fully clothed men, because of course they can’t be seen as vulnerable/exposed/not in charge
  • That. Fucking. Finger.
  • Mylar balloons spelling out that Robin Thicke has a big dick

So once again, they were re-enacting a video.  Robin Thicke’s video, not Miley Cyrus’s.  It may have been the unrated one but still, these videos have been released since March 2013.  The world has had six months to hate on the goddamned finger and they focus their anger NOT on Robin Thicke, the person who inflicted it unto the world but rather, on the young woman who performed it with him at a live show.  They may as well hate the models who danced in the unrated version, because clearly they were the ones in charge of artistic direction.

Was it over the top?  Sure, I guess, though the entertainment industry as a whole is pretty well known for its decided lack of boundary/sense/taste and there’s not much that shocks me anymore.  When performers are as untalented as Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke, it’s no surprise that they have to become giant media gluttons just to keep the spotlight.  Outrageous behavior distracts from the fact that they’re untalented hacks.  I don’t care who Miley Cyrus grinds her ass up against, or who Robin Thicke has to simu-bone for attention, though I do care that these two performers are being held to entirely different standards for doing essentially the same thing.  Yes, yes, I know, RT is a man and we all know it’s OK for guys to swagga into a room dick-first but if a woman is overtly sexual?  Whoooooooooooooooore!  I feel kind of bad for Miley and her overt sexuality.  You know when a baby discovers his feet?  And then his parents put little jingly socks on him and he waves his munchkin feet around and sticks them in his mouth and can’t keep his hands off them because they’re all fresh and new to him?  That’s exactly how I view Miley Cyrus’s relationship with her vagina: it’s like she just found it and can’t stop (see what I did there?) pointing it out to everyone.  I blame Disney.

So please.  Don’t stop buying Miley’s albums because she committed some very public self-canoodling with a prop from one of Robin Thicke’s videos.  That’s unfair, and doesn’t focus on the source of the behavior, which (I will spell out) is Robin Thicke, or at the very least RT’s artistic director.  And don’t not buy RT’s albums because he’s a misogynistic tool.  Instead, I beg of you all, to do this: don’t buy their albums, because they CAN’T FUCKING SING.

15 responses to One More Thing About Miley Cyrus…

  1. Miley Cyrus just one of those people who others like to scapegoat and pick on. I honestly don’t understand why. I’ll admit I haven’t been a fan of hers in a few years, but that doesn’t she deserve scrutiny. I’d like to see anyone go on stage and act like the way that she did.


    • beyondpaisley – Author

      What she doesn’t deserve is to be held to a different standard than the other performers she’s sharing a stage with. And she doesn’t deserve blame for using a prop from one of Robin Thicke’s videos when they’re acting out said video. I’m gonna stick with her deserving to be scrutinized for her lack of talent, though. She shouldn’t be as major a celebrity as she is (along with a long, long list of performers who are promoted because they have the right “look” and can be auto-tuned into submission).


      • Yeah, I didn’t really like her even during her Hannah Montana days. I figured she would just be one of those Disney actresses who would have their own show and then not be seen again.


  2. Amy Johnson

    Non-Miley fans were caught off guard for sure since they hadn’t followed her lately. I had heard she was getting all trampy but didn’t care enough to check. I did feel a little bit bad that her “big, bad, brazen, fearless, sexy, shocking” attempt at fitting in with (or outdoing?) other stage vixens for VMA’s went so badly awry. The stink-eye from Rihanna had to sting. She is perhaps too young to stand back and say, “Hey, that might come off as a tacky train wreck and make me look witless and slutty with no feminist or creative point to make.” Her fans (who ARE her fans?) probably liked the video just fine (I had to turn off cuz kids kept walking by, eewww the tongue, the grinding, the fake friends she was groping…) so she didn’t have a fair gage of the rest of the world. I don’t blame Disney so much as Miley’s “people” (and famous family) with apparently no power of suggestion as to how not be a disturbing (she does seem mentally unstable in video) laughing stock. It’s probably hard to have sound judgement with her background so she should get some advisors to fix this. So meh. Maybe she doesn’t deserve total condemnation….though I stand by the fact her clothing line has been unacceptable for young girls for yeeeeeeeeears.

    No matter what props she pulled from the videos of others, she would have known she’d get some flack for this if she had any real friends in the world to tell her. I mean, did they rehearse that with her and the finger and the nylon suit and all the other performers, stage workers producers, etc were like, “Yeah, great idea, looks good!” just so they’d get hype at her expense? I get the sympathy vote. It was hard to watch and sad to see the ridicule when she’s just a young cheesy celeb trying to fit into a million accepted trends. Vapid slutty models have been video accessories FOREVER. So, yeah, Robin Thicke has a pop song and when it came video time, a director who threw in nudie models while he wears a suit and he obviously approved it and participated (YAWN)….But whoever advised Miley that becoming one of the video bimbos (after all, SHE’S not desperately trying to book modeling gigs for survival) when there are plenty of talented women to emulate would be a good career move…well….maybe it was her idea based on her video…who knows….and then there’s the fact that yeah, she never could sing…but that’s fairly standard pop fare too…I actually think Robin Thicke would have been ridiculed if he came on stage almost nude and dry humping the foam finger.


    • beyondpaisley – Author

      You do make a poignant argument that she’s desperately in need of a handler who’s actually got her best interests at heart. There’s clearly no one in the people surrounding her right now who are capable of offering sane advice, though that’s always the problem of the entitled “artist”, isn’t it? They think they know what’s what. It’s the problem of being 20. It’s a bad age for important decision making.



    I don’t mind Miley. She is a media creation. I LOVE that video and song. I just groove to it and I don’t watch for hidden agenda’s. Hell, I didn’t even watch the MTA. Music is subjective. Miley is doing the same thing Madonna did 25 years ago. I say yay for creativity and don’t watch what you don’t like.

    I like you so no offense intended. Kathryn


    • beyondpaisley – Author

      None taken, of course! Back at’cha. She IS a media creation and I think that’s a large part of the problem; I don’t know where the starmaker machine ends and she begins.


  4. Amber

    While I recover from the assault on my senses since I do not listen to this kind of music or watch MTV, but subjected myself to it for the sake of your article (shutter and leap for my fainting couch), I do thank you for making one thing perfectly clear… children will NEVER WATCH MTV…not in my house anyway. But to your point, I totally agree. Don’t like it, don’t watch. I don’t, so I don’t. The only reason I know about any of it is due to all the hoopla. But really, I would think people in the industry and media would be more aware of the links between previous videos and the live performance (which I still haven’t seen, and probably won’t). Though asking people “in the industry” to be informed is asking too much isn’t it??? (Sorry was that tooooo sarcastic?) Well done on the article! 🙂


    • beyondpaisley – Author

      Well, there IS a link that can take you to her performance in the article…it was every bit as bad as you can imagine. And yeah. Keep those kiddos away from MTV for as long as possible. Even though videos aren’t in the top rotation, there’s also shows like “Teen Mom” to contend with, and who needs that?


  5. This is awesome. When I saw the widely-displayed photo of the Smith family looking shocked at Miley’s performance, I was pretty sure they were all thinking “white girl can’t dance!” Because her lack of singing/dancing ability really was out there on display. And she got all the attention she could have asked for by “shocking” the masses.


    • beyondpaisley – Author

      I just wish the shock was less from “Oh my stars and garters, there’s a lady behaving as though her ladyparts are aflame! In public!” and more, “I’m shocked that this is considered music.” Then I’d be less ready to call the waaaaahmbulance.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s