…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…
…but I think we need to give her one tiny break.
Just one. Let me explain.
It’s not that I think she’s so totally awesome that she gets a pass because OMG how can you not love everything she does? No no, I assure you. I’ve said since seeing the VMA performance that’s caused the avalanche of media hooha that the thing I’m most offended by about her performance is that she’s making bajillions of dollars and can’t fucking sing. She is a testament to the magical properties of auto-tune, and will keep any skilled vocal-mix professional working for years to come. (Miley Cyrus: Job creator.) They claim she wasn’t auto-tuned for the VMAs. Go on, go watch it again and play the “count the flat notes” drinking game. Every flat note, take a shot. You’ll be knackered before the song comes to an end (and if you play through Robin Thicke’s part of the performance, put 911 on your speed dial to counter the inevitable onset of alcohol poisoning).
It’s because, if people had been paying even a tiny bit of attention, there wouldn’t be a public outcry for a national fainting couch to combat the epidemic of swooning from the shock of Miley’s ladyparts being so vigorously and unapologetically diddled on stage.
I was talking with my boyfriend the other night and he said, “Someone asked who came up with the choreography for Miley Cyrus’s performance. Apparently, it’s taken pretty directly from her video.”
Oh, really, I thought. How ’bout that? Re-enacting a video (at least in part) at the VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. I guess I didn’t see that coming. I feel so naive.
So I watched her video for “We Can’t Stop”, which was of course the song she sang at the VMAs. Here it is. I’ll get back to this in a minute but please, for the sake of the rest of this article, pay attention to what’s going on in the video. Feel free to watch it without the sound on. It makes it easier.
Well all right. There you have it. They totally pulled parts of the video for her performance. The giant furry costumes. Some of the dance moves. Her goddamned tongue, which I’m pretty sure she can do push ups on. It also, for the record, included:
- what looked like fingers being sliced off a hand
- copious twerking
- a guy shooting smoke out of his crotch
- enough with the tongue, Miley
- abundant ass shots and spread eagled bed writhing
- girl on girl food wrestling, booty smacking, and at least one boobie fondle
- oh, yeah, and then she licked that doll’s face
My point is: this was all in the video which has been released for months, so people freaking out about virginal Hannah Montana suddenly becoming sexually supercharged is…well…inauthentic at best and hypocritical at worst. Clearly, they’re not paying attention to the same things their kids are paying attention to, or else they think that whatever happens in the confines of a three-minute music video can’t ever possibly translate into live performance.
Whatever. This is why child stars develop substance abuse problems.
But then it gets even more deranged, because Miley didn’t get as much shit for her own performance as she did for her participation in Robin Thicke‘s song, “Blurred Lines”. Here’s the video, if you’re unfamiliar with the song. Please notice the plastic clothing on the models, in relation to Miley’s VMA costuming.
God, I hate this song.
For Thicke’s part of the performance, Miley Cyrus ripped off her stupid, stupid furry bear onesie and revealed her vinyl bra and panty set, so she looked shiny and almost-nude. Which kind of emulates what the models were wearing. But that finger, good God…what about that giant foam finger she was waving around at the VMAs? Why was Miley Cyrus just a protective vinyl barrier away from flicking her bean on national TV? In front of the children? Wearing that godforsaken foam finger?
OK, point #1: this wasn’t the Kid’s Choice awards, this was the VMAs. It wasn’t a show for kids. (Waaah! But it was prime time! So is CSI, American Horror Story, The Bachelor, Supernatural, America’s Next Top Model, Bates Hotel, and Californication. These are all shows that have weird/questionable subject matter that isn’t necessarily kid friendly. Especially that show about modeling, which I’m sure has helped fuel plenty of eating disorders across the country. Don’t let them watch it if you don’t like it.)
Point #2: It’s the music industry, which is a carnivorous beast that thrives on sex and the blood of the young. What did you expect?
And point #3: That finger? The hyper-sexualized content? It’s in Robin Thicke’s video. Not that one. This one. The other, unrated, way naked, kid-unfriendly version of “Blurred Lines”.
(I warn you now, this is not safe for work, for kids, for mother, for the good of all humanity. Watch at your own risk.)
Please note that this video features:
- Plenty of topless models in nude-colored g-strings and white platform sneakers
- What’s up with that lamb?
- Fully clothed men, because of course they can’t be seen as vulnerable/exposed/not in charge
- That. Fucking. Finger.
- Mylar balloons spelling out that Robin Thicke has a big dick
So once again, they were re-enacting a video. Robin Thicke’s video, not Miley Cyrus’s. It may have been the unrated one but still, these videos have been released since March 2013. The world has had six months to hate on the goddamned finger and they focus their anger NOT on Robin Thicke, the person who inflicted it unto the world but rather, on the young woman who performed it with him at a live show. They may as well hate the models who danced in the unrated version, because clearly they were the ones in charge of artistic direction.
Was it over the top? Sure, I guess, though the entertainment industry as a whole is pretty well known for its decided lack of boundary/sense/taste and there’s not much that shocks me anymore. When performers are as untalented as Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke, it’s no surprise that they have to become giant media gluttons just to keep the spotlight. Outrageous behavior distracts from the fact that they’re untalented hacks. I don’t care who Miley Cyrus grinds her ass up against, or who Robin Thicke has to simu-bone for attention, though I do care that these two performers are being held to entirely different standards for doing essentially the same thing. Yes, yes, I know, RT is a man and we all know it’s OK for guys to swagga into a room dick-first but if a woman is overtly sexual? Whoooooooooooooooore! I feel kind of bad for Miley and her overt sexuality. You know when a baby discovers his feet? And then his parents put little jingly socks on him and he waves his munchkin feet around and sticks them in his mouth and can’t keep his hands off them because they’re all fresh and new to him? That’s exactly how I view Miley Cyrus’s relationship with her vagina: it’s like she just found it and can’t stop (see what I did there?) pointing it out to everyone. I blame Disney.
So please. Don’t stop buying Miley’s albums because she committed some very public self-canoodling with a prop from one of Robin Thicke’s videos. That’s unfair, and doesn’t focus on the source of the behavior, which (I will spell out) is Robin Thicke, or at the very least RT’s artistic director. And don’t not buy RT’s albums because he’s a misogynistic tool. Instead, I beg of you all, to do this: don’t buy their albums, because they CAN’T FUCKING SING.