Fake Spoiler Alert! Forrest Gump and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Deet da deet deet deet deet da deet deet…

This just in.

The fake entertainment news world was rocked today when it was discovered that Forrest Gump, beloved American cinema icon, has been spying for the Chinese for the last 19 years.  Their relationship, forged during Gump’s goodwill ping-pong tour, has called into question the security of countless members of the US clandestine services worldwide.  Said one top official who requested anonymity, “When he showed his ass to President Johnson, I thought it was just another example of his hokey, simplistic perspective.  I had no idea he was symbolically telling the president that he could stick it where the sun don’t shine.”

Gump, who fled the country before authorities could catch up with him, is believed to be hiding out in the Tian Shan mountain range, along the section that borders China and Kyrgyzstan.  It is rumored that Gump took the role of informant because the Chinese government offered him a complete medical insurance plan, including both eyeglasses and dental.

My name is Forrest Gump.  You can call me Comrade Gump.

My name is Forrest Gump. You can call me Comrade Gump.

And in a surprising development, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire executive producer Nina Jacobson announced that Jennifer Lawrence, who portrayed main character Katniss Everdeen in the first movie of the The Hunger Games franchise, has been released from her contract, effective immediately.  All Lawrence’s scenes are being re-filmed or re-edited to accommodate Lawrence’s exit.

The production team did not believe Lawrence had the emotional muscle to handle Katniss’s devastating return to the arena in an unprecedented second entry as a tribute.  Says Jacobson, “As a member of a close, tight-knit family, Jennifer has led a relatively stable life and has never had to explore the themes of profound betrayal and bloodthirsty competition that Katniss faces in Catching Fire.  Unfortunately for our filming purposes, Jennifer doesn’t have a place dark enough to go to in order to capture the inherent brutality–violation, even–that Katniss experiences as she re-enters the Arena.  We wish her all the best.”

The celebrity selected to replace Lawrence is Alana Thompson, also known to reality TV fans as “Honey Boo Boo“.  Johnson explains, “Honey Boo Boo, first featured on the show Toddlers and Tiaras and then spun off into her own series, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, is the embodiment of a survivor.  A veteran of the blasted, predatory hellscapes of both reality TV and the child beauty pageant circuit, Honey Boo Boo has entered the Darkness in ways only whispered about in unholy times.  She has shown not only that she can navigate her way through shark-infested waters, but that she can eat the sharks as well.  We’re very excited for the opportunity to work with this bright young star.”

Principle re-filming with Ms. Thompson has already begun, as Lionsgate Films still targets a November 2013 release.

May the odds be ever in MY favor, y'all!

May the odds be ever in MY favor, y’all!

And that’s all the time we have today for Fake Spoilers!  See you next time.

Fake Spoiler Alert!

Hey, did you see this past week’s Downton Abbey?  Sad, innit, right?  I mean, can you even believe the writers killed…

What?

You say on Facebook that you haven’t seen the thing that most of the planet is talking about, and yet you don’t want to hear any spoilers?

Go have fun and play at memegenerator.com

Go have fun and play at memegenerator.com

OK, so, here’s the thing.  I try not to spoil the dramatic plot twists from movies and television shows but sometimes I. Just. Want. To.  Particularly when I’m on the internet, which as we all know is a veritable cornucopia of fevered, hotheaded discussion and reactionism, and someone tries to squelch my lurid reactionary fervor.  Hey!  I’m processing an imaginary crisis over here!

I should, however, be thankful, because all the people begging me to not tell them about what happened on Downton Abbey (I’m not saying it’s sad, I’m just saying to watch with a box of tissues handy) inspired me to invent fake spoilers.  And not just for Downton Abbey; there’s a whole world of literature and movies and TV that begs to be fake-spoiled.

Here are but two.  More to come.

First up: The Downton Abbey fake spoiler that started it all.

Nobody saw this one coming.

Nobody saw this one coming.

I guarantee you, this one’s a total shocker.

And.  I’ve had Pride and Prejudice on the brain lately.  A friend has only recently read the book and seen the quintessential A&E/BBC/PBS version starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle and as every new devotee does, has been talking about it and watching it…well, not quite obsessively, since she does shower and get to work on time and keeps her kids healthy and fed.  But.  Suffice to say I’ve seen plenty of Jane Austen clips surface on her Facebook wall.  Understandably; if I’d had Facebook the first time I saw P&P I, quite frankly, would have been worse.  No kids to feed, see?  For the uninitiated, set aside six hours for viewing as it is worth every corseted second of your time.  And…oh, what the hell.  Here’s some Wet Darcy for your entertainment.

Also for the uninitiated…FAKE SPOILER ALERT!

Can't tell under all them thar skirts, can ya?

Can’t tell under all them thar skirts, can ya?

I swear it’s all true.

Have a great day, folks.  Let this ping around in your brain for a while.  And rest assured, there are more coming.

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