Meanwhile, At The Restaurant: No, It’s To-Go

The other night, George and I were out at a local restaurant. A family of four came in; Mom, Dad, two little boys who, if I had to guess, were like 4 and 6. It was kind of late-ish for kids to be out eating (it had to be at least 8:00) so the boys were hungry and cranky. Dad was an impatient manly-man, so when the lone waiter working the entire front of the restaurant and seating new diners during this busy night didn’t attend to them in the first minute of them standing there, Dad took matters into his own hands. And sat his family down at the table next to us. Yay.

So they order, and the kids’ food comes out, and then Dad’s food comes out, but Mom’s is delayed because the kitchen was backed up. Ah, well, such is life, right? So the couple will talk and take care of the kids while they wait for Mom’s food, right? And if Dad were so hungry he had to eschew manners and eat immediately, then maybe he’d offer Mom a little bit from his plate so she could nibble too while waiting, right?  Yeah.  Only no.  Instead, Dad proceeded to pull out his goddamned phone and Facebook (or whatever) while he ate. Ignoring his entire family. Ignoring the wife who wasn’t eating yet. Leaving her to contend with two tired, squirrelly kids on her own. While he was sitting right there next to them all. And when her meal came…well, words fail. It looked a little something like this.

The only thing I've exaggerated here is the size of his brow.

The only thing I’ve exaggerated here is the size of his brow.

(Remember, WordPress screwed f*ed us with their photo editing changes, so there is no “open in new window” option.)


And for the record, when the one little boy knocked his water glass over and spilled most of it into his mother, guess who got up to help her clean up, get fresh napkins for the table, and alerted the waiter there was a spill?  Most people would think, oh, it was the other adult at the table, because that’s what responsible, thinking, caring adults in a relationship do for one another, right?

BZZT. Wrong. It was me. I helped her. I helped get her table cleaned. ME.

Sigh. I don’t even know what else to say about this except: If you’re this guy and you’re reading this, then understand that I only have the best of intentions when I tell you, you are a douchebag. Only because I hope you recognize it to be true, and want to change your douchebaggy ways. Your kids deserve a father who’s present and engaged, not some…douchebag, really, it’s the word that fits…who trawls his phone during dinner, exhibits no sign of joy or interest in his own family, who shows such…you know, it’s not even disrespect, it’s total douchey disregard, for his wife. I don’t know if getting your wife’s food to go shows you’re the control freak type of douchebag, or if you’re the sort of douchebag who is douchebaggy thanks to a wretched cavern in your soul filled with cluelessness but dude, when a stranger at the next table and the waiter have more concern for your wife’s well being than you do?

You’re doing it wrong.

Soapbox Sunday: You Do Know You’re Speaking Out Loud, Right?

I just need to vent a little spleen about a weird scene that happened when we were out to dinner last night.  George and I went to a local restaurant, and it’s a fairly small one, so bear in mind that all diners are in a roughly 25×20 foot space.  As happens in restaurants, after splitting a bottle of wine and supplementing that with a few glasses of water…ummm…nature called.  It’s not uncommon, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been there.  So.  George got up to make use of the men’s room.  He was gone no more than five seconds when he earned the ire of a popped-collar douche at a neighboring table, who stood up at about the same time George did, but was busy being all aggro-bro at his table and so did not move in any direction–towards the men’s room, towards the exit, whatever–because he had to get in a couple of manly fist-bumps.

Popped collars. Don’t let this happen to you. Image from

Suffice to say he did NOT call firsties and make his way to the men’s room (who knew it was a footrace?) and, once he realized George the Usurper had gone in before him, started to complain about his audacity to use the men’s room.  And he started to do so, quite loudly.

“Oh, man.  I can’t believe it.  Someone else is in the men’s room.  Hahahaha…that means I get to use the ladies’ room, right?  Isn’t that right?  I get to use the ladies’ room, since I can’t believe some other guy went into the men’s room before I got there.”

Hahaha.  OMG CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD DIDN’T FALL TO ONE SIDE AND LET YOU IN YOUR INFINITE GLORY PASS BY?  Clearly, by standing, he telegraphed his intentions to the universe.  WTF, George?  How could you?

Seriously, though.  These are the things I want to know:

1) Are you an infant?  Do you lack the capacity to control your bladder and need immediate access to lavatories at all times?  Have you consulted your doctor about this?  Because it should be well under your control by the time you enter school, or learn how to drive, or go out drinking with bros in public.

2) Did you eat lead paint chips as a child?

3) Do you realize that the whole world does not, in fact, revolve around you?

4) Do you realize that the term “Manifest Destiny” does not, in fact, in any way relate to your access to a public rest room?

5) You do realize it’s possible to have an internal dialogue without vocalizing the thoughts in your head, right?

6) You do realize that sometimes–oftentimes–it’s preferable for you to NOT make your internal dialogue known, right?

7) Should you choose to vocalize your inner thoughts, you do realize you are under no obligation to make sure everyone in the bar, restaurant, clothing store, or whatever establishment you are patronizing at that moment knows what thoughts have lumbered through your brain, right?

8) You’re not funny enough for comedy. Leave it to the professionals, who are way more insightful, bitter, and relevant than you.

Sad. True. All of it.

Sad. True. All of it.

9) One last thing: do you realize that every time you opened your mouth, the entire restaurant (including your friends) hoped you choked on a bag of dicks?  Next time, bro, STFU.

That is all.

Meanwhile, At the Restaurant: How to Get the Bartender’s Attention

Having spent an unreasonable amount of time in food service, in several different states in the US, I generally think that I’ve seen most of what can be seen (though I do realize that claiming I’ve seen it all does a grave disservice to “it all”.  But really, people.  I don’t need to know).  Despite the quasi-iconic public concept of the surly bartender who hides in the corner and has to be coaxed out like they’re a mouse and you’ve got a pocket full of cheese, most bartenders do want to offer their customers timely and friendly service in a welcoming atmosphere.  In a tips-based economy, it’s the smartest way to make money.  And in my time in restaurants and bars, I’ve encountered a vast and often confusing array of ways customers deem acceptable to get a bartender’s attention.  In the interest of public service and to help out my bar brethren across this great land, I give you the do’s and don’ts of:

Ta da!

Ta da!


The Tapper


The Tapper thinks the most effective way to get his drink refilled is to tap his empty glass repeatedly on the bar as though he’s tapping out distress signals in Morse code.  Unless you’re warning me about icebergs dead ahead, this is an inappropriate way to communicate.  I can let you tap all day.  Plus, if you’re that anxious that you need to bang your glass on the bar until you get another drink, then you don’t need another drink, and I would recommend trying some yoga, or perhaps taking up meditation.

The Barker


The Barker thinks that raising his voice above the din of a bar is a surefire way to entice a bartender over.  The Barker doesn’t seem to realize that he is the human equivalent of WRITING IN ALL CAPS and as quickly as I will delete the email written in that manner, so will I dismiss the person who behaves in this manner.  He may express himself in a way that seems callous (Hey, you!) or try to sound charming and/or endearing (Hey, honey, sugarplum, dollface!).  But no matter how you phrase it, he’s still the obnoxious drunk yelling at you from across the bar.  Avoid whenever possible.

The Whistler


Very closely related to The Barker, The Whistler shares the sentiment that making loud noises to attract the bartender is effective.  The problem is, The Whistler chooses the same manner in which he calls his dog in for dinner.  The Whistler doesn’t always necessarily whistle, per se, but he will clear his throat repeatedly or make “Pssst!” sounds.  One memorable time, the owner of the bar I worked in was on duty when a customer tried to attract his attention by making that repeated “psst psst psst” sound you make while trying to convince a cat to come near you.  The owner turned around and, without missing a beat said, “You’d better have some Friskies in your pocket if you’re calling to me that way.”  At least that once, the errant customer grew momentarily embarrassed enough to stammer out an apology before asking for a refill.

The Grabber


If I’m ever back behind the bar, do not–and I mean DO NOT–ever reach all the way across the bar and touch me.  I will wreck you.

And so we come to the end of my general guidelines for DON’T bar behavior.  This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s a good place to start.  Do note that the “DON’T” behaviors are generally demeaning and/or hostile and/or aggressive.  Use that as your measuring stick for what not to do, and you should be off to a good start.


The Cash Presenter


Most bartenders, you see, are fairly bright, and understand that being attentive to the people standing or sitting at the bar impacts their tips.  If someone stands at the bar with money in their hands, bartenders will generally investigate such an event because people don’t randomly walk around holding money.  In a bar, it’s a specific signal that means, “I want something and I’m ready to pay.”  Yes, it’s true.  Money talks.

The Discreet Signaler


You can gesture to your bartender, so long as you’re chill about it.  If your bartender looks like he’s in the middle of a conversation and isn’t likely to end it any time soon, you can gesture.  If you want to get drinks ASAP for yourself and that fine individual you’re successfully chatting up, you can gesture.  Or if you realize you need to leave, you can do the universal “I’m pretending to sign my name” gesture.  Gesturing does, for the most part, imply necessity so don’t go overboard pointing and waving at will!  Then you become the barfly who cried wolf, and your gesturing just becomes a silent extension of The Tapper and nobody needs to cross into hybrid signals because then everyone is unhappy.

The Empty Glass Bearer


The Empty Glass Bearer is the mellowest of all patrons and has an inherent understanding that a bartender intends to do his job to the best of his abilities.  A bartender who’s even half-paying attention knows that an empty glass requires some sort of attention.  Empty Glass Bearers tend to be easy customers for bartenders to deal with–they’re not overly demanding, they don’t need babysitting, and their lack of aggressive behavior towards the bartender generally means the bartender will like them.  Bars are a great place to have a high-fivin’, belly-bumpin’ good time, but not necessarily with the bartender, who has five or fifteen or sixty other people to manage simultaneously.  Have faith that the bartender will get to you.  While people may think the squeaky wheel gets the grease, when you’re in a bar it’s the quiet glass bearer who gets the best consistent service.

It’s true.

I’d love to hear about other bartender-approach behaviors that I might have forgotten or have blocked from my memory.  Feel free to comment!

Meanwhile, at the Restaurant: Easter Edition

About a thousand years ago, I worked in a very small coffee shop in a very small town.  Every week, at least once a week, a quartet of ladies would come in after spending the morning together at the gym.  All but one had those stylie (she said facetiously) nylon track suits and all would be suspiciously un-gnarly after what they claimed was a “killer” workout.

When I’m done with a killer workout?  I’m not pretty enough to go anywhere, particularly not in the gym clothes I’ve just released five gallons of sweat into.  Funktastic?  Nope.  Just funk.

Anyway.  These ladies would come in and absolutely swoon over the dessert case, and then *tee hee* behind their hands about whether or not they should get cake (and they always did) and how “bad” that made them.  For these ladies, I always felt like they did think it was a breach of moral conscience to have some goddamned cake if they wanted it.  But who was I to judge?

Oh, right.  I was the surly employee.  That’s what we do.  Plus, I could go on about how deciding to have a piece of cake or not does not in any way indicate an assault on your own morality or standing as a member of the community, but that’s a different rant for a different day.

I don’t think the following incident took place on Good Friday but I know it happened during Easter week.  And quite frankly, it taught me the meaning of self-sacrifice and self-reflection in ways I’d never contemplated before.  Just bear in mind…I’m not saying they’re good ways.

Meanwhile, at the Restaurant: Easter Edition

I feel the presence of the divine already.

I feel the presence of the divine already.

I just report what I see, people.

Peace out, y’all!

Meanwhile, at the Restaurant: The Allergy

I worked at a restaurant in Texas that is verrrrrry popular with out-of-town visitors, and when it was rodeo season we had a constant stream of riders and performers coming through our dining room.  Sometimes, the rodeo folks would generate a pervasive odor of hay and sundry rodeo dirt.  It wasn’t like they were doing anything malicious; they were just around hay and dirt and livestock all the time.  And it wasn’t a particularly bad smell, but had plenty of potential to impact its surroundings.  Kind of like when this happened…

As verbatim as I remember it.

As verbatim as I remember it.

…and move she did, to New York City.  Because I will never in my life say anything more honest than this: if you’re allergic to cowboys, darlin’, Texas ain’t the place for you.

How to Stay Motivated During a Workout

This pretty faithfully retraces my thought process during a particularly difficult workout.  Or maybe I was just kind of whupped and didn’t want to do it, I don’t know.  Works particularly well for Zumba.  And don’t think I didn’t put this to use this very morning in BodyPump.

Thanks, three-year-old!

Clearly, the mentality of a three-year-old appeals to me.

Funny, where inspiration comes from sometimes.

Have a great workout!  No tired.

Meanwhile, at the Restaurant: MIA

The following is a mostly true story about a phone call I got when I was working at a place that shall remain nameless.

I remember it well.

I remember it well.

With the exception of the zombie dust bit…and the fact that I don’t want to use all the paper necessary to convey just how long she yelled at me over the phone…this is pretty much entirely accurate.  Putting the drunk guy in the cab and sending him home–and paying for it–is generally considered the right thing to do.  Sigh.  Imagine my surprise.

Re-Branding “The Biggest Loser”

Recently, I went to the gym and saw that two of my favorite classes were being held back to back.  I didn’t have anything pressing on my agenda and decided, why not?  I had a massive two-hour, almost non-stop (didn’t even have to move to a different room), ass-kicking, Body Pump -> Zumba workout.

Holy pockets.  I was drained.

When I got home I realized…hey…those people on The Biggest Loser, they do these massive two hour workouts.  Three times a day.  Six days a week.  And they’re doing it on ground turkey breast and salad.  While I do love that show, I confess I also had a few realizations:

1) No wonder they get so cranky and start sniping at each other.  That’s got to be unbelievably draining.  I know how I felt after just one, two-hour workout.  Exhaustion!  and…

2) Pretty sure that’s a house full of hungry people.

So in honor of this, I think we should re-brand The Biggest Loser, and call that show what it really is.  So here is the dramatic unveiling of the new logo (drumroll, please)…


Oh,you know it's true.

Oh,you know it’s true.

Hey, folks.  I just calls ’em as I sees ’em.

The Walking Dead: Geez, Andrea, WTF?

Meet Andrea.

Hi, Andrea!

Hi, Andrea!

Andrea is a survivor of a global zombie apocalypse.  The apocalypse has annihilated the very fabric of civilization.  Survivors cling tightly to one another as they fight off the mindless, voracious hordes of flesh-eating ghouls, forming fiercely protective clan groups.  Most clans develop a social hierarchy with an easily-identifiable leader and clearly-defined roles for the other members of the group.  Trust is paramount in maintaining the integrity of the clan and ensuring its best chance for survival.  This allows not only for the group to perform efficiently but also establishes a civilizing influence in a world gone mad.

Currently, Andrea is at a crossroads.  She just reunited with the original group–we’ll call it the Grimes clan, after Rick Grimes, the de facto leader–she belonged to at the start of the zombie apocalypse, from whom she was separated when an enormous herd of the undead overran the group’s former sanctuary/farmhouse.  Recently she’s been living in Woodbury, a fortified enclave of human survivors run by the self-appointed “Governor”.  Andrea constantly clashes with the Governor because of the sociopathic ruthlessness he displays by his appalling lack of humanity.  She has said she feels the people of Woodbury “need” her, partly to shield them against the Governor.  Yet she sleeps with on a regular basis.

Andrea is making her way back to Woodbury after meeting with Grimes, from whom she learned a number of disturbing facts regarding the Governor and his recent attacks on her old friends.  Instead of driving straight back to the Governor, let’s all take a moment to consider Andrea’s options.

Back to the prison compound!

Back to the prison compound!

1) She could turn the car around and head back to the Grimes clan, currently holed up within a prison.  While a prison might not be the ideal place to call home, it does house the people she’s always been able to trust and who only lost track of her because of an extraordinarily set of terrifying circumstances.  Though Rick may have snapped a bit of his tether to the real world, his main concern right now–as it has always been–is keeping his people safe.  In the process of re-integrating into Grimes, she could work to re-forge the bonds of friendship she’d established during the early, frightful days and weeks of the zombie apocalypse, before fields of swarming undead became the new normal.  And she could start to repair her relationship with Michonne, the woman who saved her life from zombies, took care of her when she was sick, saved the lives of Maggie and Glenn when they were being held prisoner by the Governor, and whose friendship Andrea tossed by the wayside in favor of the Governor.  Downsides: Merle is at the prison, and he is a dick.  Andrea would have to start over, as the low man on the hierarchical totem pole.  The Governor has more guns and people.  And Rick is a little…you know.  Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Perhaps the great unknown.  Does adventure await?

Perhaps the great unknown. Does adventure await?

2)  She could turn the car around and head past the prison and on to points as yet unknown.  She has a car, her gun, and some semblance of wits.  At one point, she was  enough of a bad-ass to shoot her own sister after that sister was infected by a zombie bite and turned into a monster.  Admittedly the road is full of dangerous unknowns, but so is the world she’s used to.  Rick doesn’t always live up to the concept of “stable” and the Governor is a power-hungry, murderous narcissist.  Neither of these factors contributes to a desire to prolong one’s loyalty, and she could theoretically have days of travel under her belt before anyone actually gave a shit that she was missing.  Downsides: traveling on one’s own can be nerve-wracking in the best of times.  She lacks the knowledge about road conditions (clear? Or full of abandoned vehicles?) and supplies.  She only has one clip in her gun.  And there is no guarantee that any other group she encounters will offer more safety than the ones she is currently dealing with.

Maybe it's time for Andrea to have some "me" time.

Maybe it’s time for Andrea to have some “me” time.

3) There is an abandoned town somewhere between the prison where the Grimes clan is holed up and Woodbury.  Glenn and Maggie had gone there for supplies and subsequently were captured by Merle, who at that point was one of the Governor’s soldiers.  Andrea could make her way to that abandoned town, break into the library, loot a copy of Codependent No More and not. Move. A. Muscle. until she determines why she has a thing for power-hungry, murderous narcissists.  Remember, she also had a fling with Shane, who was on the express bus to Crazyville.  Shane killed Otis and tried to kill Rick, but only after he tried to steal both Rick’s authority and his family out from under him.  Because seriously, it’s like the writers cracked open a textbook, found a definition for codependency, and wrote her character around that.  This may be a golden opportunity for Andrea to get to know herself a little better, work on her inner selfness, and break the pattern of destructiveness that has plagued her since we first met her in the series premiere.  The town is fairly clear and she is familiar with the surrounding area.  Downsides: she will be on her own, and may have to come to grips with some painful aspects of her personality.

Or: back to Woodbury?

Or: back to Woodbury?

4) She could get in the car Rick has given her and drive back to Woodbury and the Governor.  It is walled and relatively safe, with food and water.  We can all understand that Andrea’s romantic involvement with the Governor may skew her initial perceptions, and that mayhem has been raining down fast and hard in Woodbury and gets in the way of level-headed thinking.  However.  Girlfriend needs to take some time to assimilate all of her information about the Governor.  Downsides?  You got ’em:

  • He kept zombie and human heads in jars as trophies of his kills.
  • He kept his zombie daughter locked in a cubby hole and would take her out to cuddle her when he had a sad.
  • He concealed the presence of Glenn and Maggie from Andrea, and would have had them executed if Rick didn’t show up in time.  He then lied to Andrea about his motives for concealing them.
  • He sent Merle to kill Michonne.  Michonne lived.
  • He captures zombies for fun and experimentation.
  • He forced Merle and his brother Daryl to fight in the human equivalent of a bear pit, to appease a crowd he whipped into a bloodthirsty frenzy.
  • He initiated an assault on the prison the Grimes clan lives in and destroyed their outer defenses by having one of his minions drive a bread van through the exterior fencing and open the back of the truck, which was loaded with zombies.  So, not only are zombies now able to make their way in past the exterior fence, they seeded the yard with zombies of their own.  Furthermore, he lied to Andrea about who started what, and said Rick attacked them.
  • He expects all of his people–including the untrained, the young, the physically infirm–to behave as soldiers.  And his word is law.
  • Andrea has caught him lying and found out about nearly everything he’s done, including seeing his wall of jarred creepy zombie head trophies.

“I just want to make sure no one else gets killed,” Andrea said to Carol, a member of the Grimes clan.  Carol said, “You can end this,” and told her she could go back to Woodbury like Mata Hari, give the Governor the night of his life and dispatch him in his sleep.

In the end, out of all her possible options, Andrea did decide to return to Woodbury.  She did bump uglies with the Governor.  And then, in the middle of the night, she got up, got her knife, looked at him sleeping so peacefully (like an angel!) and got all soft and doughy.  Then she put the knife away and went back to bed.

Seriously, Andrea, WTF?  What else does the Governor have to do to finally prove he’s a goddamned nightmare?  Zombie rape?  Puppy kicking?  Wearing white shoes after Labor Day?

Photo from

Photo from

Since Andrea has become the poster child for impaired decision-making, I’m proposing a line of Andrea-based paraphernalia, starting with the What Would Andrea Do? bracelet.

What Would Andrea Do?

What Would Andrea Do?

So when you’re trying to figure out if that new boyfriend or girlfriend is right for you…or you come across some information about your current relationship that gives you pause…or you’ve got friends who are fighting and you keep finding yourself in the middle of it…take a long, hard look at your What Would Andrea Do? bracelet.  Consider her actions, based on codependency and misguided arrogance.  And then?  Do exactly the opposite.

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